Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Stepmom's Guide to Snagging The Girl, Part 1

What? You think all advice should only come from mom or dad?  Sometimes the person you least expect to have the best advice is the one you should seek it from because they can look outside the perimeter.  This person has a rare glance because they weren’t born with the unconditional love of your parents who think you could do no wrong.  Oh don’t doubt their love, in any way shape or form, but you weren’t automatically granted that through birth with them.  

Any woman/girl worth her weight will look at one thing very closely when she is checking you out.  No, it is not your looks.  Sure your looks and personality might grab her attention at first, but guess what is going to keep her attention on you?  The way you treat the woman who in your life every single day, lets her know exactly how you will treat her in any relationship.  Whether it is your mom, stepmom or grandma, she will look and listen to the way you treat this very important woman in your life.   If you constantly bad mouth her, disrespect her and don’t show love and respect towards her this girl will take note. Even off handed comments will make her wonder.  Disrespecting this very important role model in your life can have consequences that you might think goes right back to your looks.  

Being, ME ME ME all the time with your parents, also shows a woman/girl how you will treat her.  If she constantly sees you complaining about always wanting, and it always involves your wants and how everyone is mistreating you because it’s not being done instantly shows her she won’t be even close to #1 in your life.  Look around you, does it ALWAYS have to be about you?  Or do you take the time to make someone feel appreciated who deserves to feel that way.  Your parents work hard for you, and always being ME ME ME is a huge turn off for any prospect you might have.    

There is much advice to be given, so until next time...

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

My sweet thoughtful son

There are some moments in a stepmom's life where she constantly wonders where she fits. She gets too caught up in her role and forgets to just love and let live. We can get so uptight because life isn't going the way we think it "should". Should is such a dangerous word. The word has been listed in my official cuss word list, just like shut-up.

 I spent yesterday in bed sick. That is way out of my normal, as I'm use to running from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. My oldest stepson came home from school, I needed to talk to him so called him in to my room. It was then he showed me the tea he bought me with his own money and told me about the movie he had rented so we could watch as a family. I love the fact that he did this for me. Tanner will text me during the day to tell me things he needs to complain about, and often he doesn't want me to fix anything he just wants to be able to complain. When I try to fix something, he will tell me that he just needs to complain. Our communication with each other is growing leaps and bounds. The fact he thought to bring me something to help me feel better is a priceless blessing to my heart.

 Even though I said I'd never offer up advice, here it is. Stop thinking about what "SHOULD" happen and just let things happen. Quit looking to the internet for your answers, a wise doctor told me you will always find information to support how you are feeling. You will find the information that fuels your fears. He told me get off the damn computer and live life, it happens more natural that way. My blessings far outweigh any problems I think I'm having. That statement is very true the more I figure out how to laugh and just live life. My quiver is full...

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A Stepmom's Jealousy

There seems to be a lot of confusion for some spouses about why their new wife has jealousies.  They have a false sense it’s about the other woman’s looks or body.  It’s simply not the case, in mine anyways.  Here are a few things that I find myself jealous overAs bioparents, who never divorce, you have lots of little moments that your child makes you proud.  You get to look at each other and say “We did that”, “We made that together”.   You have the planning of and birthing of children together.  There is a joy, you experience as the third generation of you is born, a grandchild.  As a stepmom, who marries later in life, none of that will you ever share with your spouse.   Watching the creatures that your spouse and someone else created you wonder, what would it have been like to share those moments?

As stepparents our children are born to us under different circumstances, through our heart.  We share no genetic details, or quirkiness.  A lot of times we feel like we are on the outside looking in.   There is an abundance of people who tell you that you have no rights to that child, they aren’t really yours.  I’m here to tell you though, that your thinking is flawed.  My thinking is flawed.  My stepchildren show me this, sometimes daily.  

Hunter is quick to coach me, in being a stepmom.  He will say something to get a response from me, and then he will ask, what are you going to do if I don’t? So I will give him a consequence.  After that, he will tell me, see? That’s how it is done.  It’s no different from the child you gave birth to.  Tanner, will be gone most of the week, the one thing he probably looks forward to most about being home is what I’m cooking for supper.  Just like my other kids.  

Genetics are not what make kids yours.  You will come to findout, your quirkiness rubs off on your stepkids just like your biokids.  You don’t think so?  Wait.  There will be a time; your son will spout off a phrase that comes out of your mouth often.  Your husband will turn and look at you and say “See what you’ve got him saying now”?  Just like if you had given birth to that creature.  You rub off on each other.  

When you are feeling left out or jealous, really stop yourself and reflect over what you are telling yourself in your head.  Is it really real or is it just your Ego, needing stroked.  Ego get the behind me, you are a pain there anyways!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

A good step mom

A good stepmom will always put her kids above herself. Not out of being a martyr but because she cares more about their emotional well being, than she cares about being right about something.

To honor my sons wishes, from now on I will try very hard not to bring up any ex issues I may be having. He was the one most hurt by actions beyond our control. I can control the hurt from my side and will excercise that right to protect him above all else.  

Oh, he let me know I could tell every one I'm a good stepmom. It's now on record and he can never ever take it back.

I love you Tanner, more than you will ever know!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Mending Fences

A phrase that often flies from my son’s mouth is “Normal moms or Normal families do so and so”.  So many times I have wanted to scream at him, our family is far from normal.  We are a blended family.  With statistics staggering even higher that blended families are becoming America’s normal; why aren’t we acting like normal families then?  He’s right.  We bring too much drama to the table to live life normally.

As Biomoms, we think we are slighted because of our ownstinkin’ thinkin’.  We think someone is trying to replace us, or better yet out do us.  There is a sense of entitlement like we OWN our children.  There is not much anyone, including the other parent, can do right in our eyes.  I really urge you to go read my blog about Biomom reflections from both sides of the fence.  

As stepmoms we have no clue where we fit in as far as role.  Throw in being the custodial stepmom and BAM, it’s a double whammy.  Stepmoms are discriminated against, on a large level.  You won’t see any civil rights protest for us, because most Biomoms will not stand for it.  There are a few select Biomoms though who understand what it is like to be on both sides of the fence, actively. They will try hard to be a referee between the two sides, only to find she is attacked by both sides, because obviously their side is worse than the middle ground could ever imagine.  Been there, done that, said that. (The discrimination topic is one for a later blog).

Stepmoms, I’m going to call you out for a bit too.  We have a tendency to run down the Biomom.   As women we should know better.  Not everyone is meant to learn their lesson with their first husband.  Sometimes it takes a few times to get it right.  If you are marrying for the 2nd, 3rd or 10th time, you of all people should know this.  People make mistakes, and we think they are supposed to act a certain way because that is what society has ingrained us to do.  Peggy Nolan of thestepmomstoolbox.com nailed in right on the head the other day.  We hold on to “should” way too much, it only sets us up for resentment that is not our place to feel.  Her blog on this subject is a must read for ANYONE!  Biomoms included, because they take on saying the stepmothers “should” do this or that too.  

We read all the time, it’s okay for a stepmom to not feel love right away for her step children.  Guess what?  Some women are incapable of loving their children the way you think they should.  Just like a stepmom.  This just gives you an opportunity to support a tribe member; to grow up fantastic little tribe members who are well rounded and capable of so much more.

In the end, we are woman with hopefully the end goal of making sure our children are brought up in love, to have wonderful senses of humor, being bright and capable to do better than what we have shown them in our roles of bitter exwife and jealous stepmom.  The change starts with us.  We need to figure out a way to support each other for the sakes of our children.  We are grown adults only responsible for us and what we show our children.  Where one might fail they other might flourish, nurture this.  You are valuable tools to each other. The sooner we start the better our children’s futures will be.

What could you do differently?


Sunday, October 13, 2013

With Trembling Hands

This was Kendall and I's weekend getaway without the kids. There wasn't anything going the way it was supposed to, but we had each other. Life has been piling lots of cow patties our way lately. Knowing we have each other helps us keep on trucking.

It's our ritual to have breakfast before heading back home. Golden Corral was close so we stopped there. Kendall had left to make himself a plate, when he came back he told me of an old man the next section over. This gentleman was a retired WWII veteran. He was all alone, his hands trembling as he set the table across from him. He carefully laid out a napkin and gently laid silverware down. He placed a plate next to that with a full glass of water. Kendall watched him the whole time. After setting the table up, he sat on the other side eating and drinking coffee.

Kendall has such a soft heart, we started talking about how short life was knowing full well we will never have 50 years together. We found each other way to late. So we enjoy each other and celebrate silly little things along the way. 

As I went to make my plate, I watched the gentleman. It was very touching. My love for Kendall is different than any I've felt before. I honestly can't sit here and tell you I could go out to eat without him if he was gone. Seeing that empty place setting tugged heart strings hard.

When I returned to the table, I told Kendall that's the thing you read about but never see in real life. Knowing I would blog about how true love never dies. Just about this time Kendall starts laughing. An older gentleman sat down at the empty place setting and started eating.

There went that blog! 

Happy Sunday!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Little Things

Take a good long look at your partner.  This is the man/woman you chose to be with you when your children are gone out of the house.  What happens when they leave and you have all this time on your hands and you figured out you don’t know your partner other than in her/his role of parent? It is especially important to ask yourself this when the rate of divorce in blended families is 73%.  

What is one way to start changing this statistic?  In my house, we choose to take time at least every other month for a weekend away.  We don’t go far, but we stay gone and with each other only.  This time is spent focusing on each other.  Not discussing bills, or why the kids won’t clean up after themselves, and especially no discussing the ex’s.  It’s about dreaming our future, things we would like to do together to the house to make it ours.  Plan things we would like to do together in the future.  Just truly enjoy each other in ways we forget to do on a day to day basis.

Kendall bought me the sweetest birthday card, it talked about how he forgets to sweep me off my feet and make me feel special on a daily basis.  Yet, he feels honored I’m his.  On our weekends together, this man makes me feel like I am the one and only woman on the face of the earth.  He holds my hand, or puts his arms around me while we are walking.  He opens doors,he surprises me with sweet little things for us to share that evening.  The things he sometimes forgets to do daily that make me feel like I’m the only woman that exists to him in the most important way.

It refreshes our spirits when we spend this time together.  We can go back home, united and ready for those issues of the kids not picking up after themselves or the fact so and so needs more money for something else.  It allows us to renew our connection in a way we forget to do.  I’m just as guilty of letting little things slip.  It renews me to find the time to slip him notes in his briefcase, in his bathroom drawer, or simply give him a squeeze for no reason at all other than I love him.

You picked each other for a reason.  It’s up to you to make sure you nurture each other so when the kids are gone, you look at each other and are ready to play not fight about each of you changing in ways you didn’t notice.  

Enjoy each other, you only live once and time runs out way to quickly!