Thursday, September 5, 2013

Biomom Reflections about both sides of the fence

Biomoms who will wander onto my blog, please understand one thing very clearly.  I was first the Biomom and exwife for 22years.  Only now am I a stepmom so I can tell you how each side of the fence looks in my view.  I will also admit that shortly after being a stepmom for a few months, I publically apologized to all 3 of the stepparents that were in my life.  It’s a lot like after giving birth to your first child, and you call your mom crying and apologizing for all the terror filled ways you filled her life with.  You know, especially at the teenage level.  

My insecurities from life made me think very ugly at times.  I thought each of these people were trying to take my place.  Just go back and read my blog about seeing your son with another woman for the first time.  One of my very first pieces of advice was from a dear friend Janet.  We were in cosmetology school together.  She told me the hardest thing I was ever going to have to do was walk into a grocery store my first time without my kids and see my kids with the other woman.  No matter what under this circumstance was I to go to the cart with my kids, but quietly depart the store and cry.  Let me tell you, this moment catches you off guard.  You had no idea, even though you should, that your child has huge love that can go past you.  Your children are resilient creatures, they get over life crisis quickly especially at younger ages.  Coming from a mom with all boys for 11 years, all who were momma boys, that blow is hard to take.  These creatures that you labored for and pushed out of your body, turn on you.  In hind sight, they don’t turn on you,only expand their world with love.  

Sure, there are some wicked stepmoms out there, and honestly, they give most of us a bad rap.  You know, the ones who stole dad from mom.  Not those of us who came by our husbands honestly, after you guys divorced.  None the less, we are all looked upon the same way.  Even though my first experience of having a step in my boys life was after their dad cheated on me with a stripper, I have a lot to be sorry for.  I acted in a way that was unfair to my boys.  Why couldn’t someone else love and care for them?  No matter what the circumstances were.  I did the whole “don’t you dare ever call another woman mom” How silly was I?  Mom is just a title, we think it entitles us to act like we had a golden uterus, that just because we grew them in our belly and then pushed them out of something the size of a lemon that we are owed something.  People, it takes a village to raise a child.  Guess what?  When you have  a stepmom to share the duties with, you get to look like the angelic angel as mom and sometimes she gets to look like the angelic angel.  It’s not a contest.  It’s a long haul journey to raise our kids up in an all-around loving environment.  

Who are we to think we are God?  I’ll be the first one to admit, I sure thought I should be as a Golden Uterus Mom.  Looking back, my boys didn’t solely survive because of me.  They survived and became who they are today because of my parents, my ex-husbands, their stepmoms, their aunts, all of us, it was a group effort.  Sure I’d love to take all the credit, but it would be a lie.  Each of these people loved them and supported them in a different way than I could.  They are awesome people in spite of how I acted as Biomom.  

So while it may be awkward at times, love your kids enough to start to realize, stepmom isn’t trying to take anything away from you.  She’s struggling herself in her new role of where she fits in.  Her sole purpose in life is not to terrorize you, but figure out how to be an asset in your children’s lives.  You might not understand her position, and she might not yours but I promise you if you both work on your own attitudes, the next chapter of your life can be more amazing than if you go it alone.  

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