Thursday, October 17, 2013

Mending Fences

A phrase that often flies from my son’s mouth is “Normal moms or Normal families do so and so”.  So many times I have wanted to scream at him, our family is far from normal.  We are a blended family.  With statistics staggering even higher that blended families are becoming America’s normal; why aren’t we acting like normal families then?  He’s right.  We bring too much drama to the table to live life normally.

As Biomoms, we think we are slighted because of our ownstinkin’ thinkin’.  We think someone is trying to replace us, or better yet out do us.  There is a sense of entitlement like we OWN our children.  There is not much anyone, including the other parent, can do right in our eyes.  I really urge you to go read my blog about Biomom reflections from both sides of the fence.  

As stepmoms we have no clue where we fit in as far as role.  Throw in being the custodial stepmom and BAM, it’s a double whammy.  Stepmoms are discriminated against, on a large level.  You won’t see any civil rights protest for us, because most Biomoms will not stand for it.  There are a few select Biomoms though who understand what it is like to be on both sides of the fence, actively. They will try hard to be a referee between the two sides, only to find she is attacked by both sides, because obviously their side is worse than the middle ground could ever imagine.  Been there, done that, said that. (The discrimination topic is one for a later blog).

Stepmoms, I’m going to call you out for a bit too.  We have a tendency to run down the Biomom.   As women we should know better.  Not everyone is meant to learn their lesson with their first husband.  Sometimes it takes a few times to get it right.  If you are marrying for the 2nd, 3rd or 10th time, you of all people should know this.  People make mistakes, and we think they are supposed to act a certain way because that is what society has ingrained us to do.  Peggy Nolan of nailed in right on the head the other day.  We hold on to “should” way too much, it only sets us up for resentment that is not our place to feel.  Her blog on this subject is a must read for ANYONE!  Biomoms included, because they take on saying the stepmothers “should” do this or that too.  

We read all the time, it’s okay for a stepmom to not feel love right away for her step children.  Guess what?  Some women are incapable of loving their children the way you think they should.  Just like a stepmom.  This just gives you an opportunity to support a tribe member; to grow up fantastic little tribe members who are well rounded and capable of so much more.

In the end, we are woman with hopefully the end goal of making sure our children are brought up in love, to have wonderful senses of humor, being bright and capable to do better than what we have shown them in our roles of bitter exwife and jealous stepmom.  The change starts with us.  We need to figure out a way to support each other for the sakes of our children.  We are grown adults only responsible for us and what we show our children.  Where one might fail they other might flourish, nurture this.  You are valuable tools to each other. The sooner we start the better our children’s futures will be.

What could you do differently?